Motherhood and Suicide- My Story

Only a small handful of people know about what I am about to share.  Even my own parents do not know about this incident. This comes from a deep dark corner of my past that I never want to revisit.  I hesitated writing about this, but I want to share this with the hope that it will  turn others who are in darkness to this Light that has helped me. And for those who may know someone who suffers from depression, that they will fall on their knees and cover that individual with prayer...

The pitter patter of the rain outside should have helped me sleep. Instead, I tossed around in my bed.  My thoughts kept going to the news of Robin Williams' suicide which has been plastered all over social media.  The cause of death- strangulation with a belt.

When I heard about the belt, it brought me back to the day I tied an extension chord around my neck and tried to hang myself. This was well before I became a mother, before I was married...

A friend once told me I do not seem to have a passion for life. I was blah. Another person described me as an enigma. I think that, at that point of my life (my late teens/early twenties), they were right about me.

I always kept a guard up. I was afraid to be myself because... I did not know who I was. All I knew was I wanted people to like me. I did not want to disappoint people. I tried to be a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend ... and in my efforts to do this, all I ever did was disappoint people. I also disappointed myself. It often drove me to question my worth in this world.

I couldn't afford seeking professional help. Truthfully, I was also afraid to seek professional help because I thought that I would still be told that I brought this feeling of hopelessness upon myself. So I can't say for sure I had depression. But there were many instances when I would wonder what the point of living was.  I would think about how much easier life for others would be without me. I would think about how my life didn't really mattered.  I tried to end my own life twice. The first time was a really lame attempt. (Remember when teens were inhaling Lysol in a bag and dying from it?? I got the idea that this was probably the least  painful and ugly way to die, so I tried it... only I was too stupid to realize I need a lot more Lysol to do the job.) A few months after that was when I hung myself with a brown extension chord. I still remember the feeling... coldness crept up my body and I slowly felt light headed and it felt as if I was just fading away. Then somehow, in the middle of all that, I saw a vision of my little sister being the first one to find me. And suddenly, even if my life was crappy, I didn't want to end it, for her sake. 

After that day, I moved about my life.  On the outside, perhaps I seemed okay but inside, this hopeless feeling still existed. I continued trudging on, one foot in front of another, playing a part that seemed empty and pointless. I coped with the feeling by writing.

I was in a better place when I met my husband.  There were still dark days here and there. I was good at hiding it. I continued using my journal as my outlet. Then came October 1, 2002.  The day I found out I was pregnant. It was unplanned and my mind swirled with a million thoughts.  I was entering into the unknown. I was now 1000% responsible for a human being. For the next nine months, I would have this life growing inside of me. I was the source of this human being's every need. At the same time, I felt helpless because I knew I have little control of what will happen to this baby. So on that day, I got on my knees and prayed. I did not know what else to do. And that's when my relationship with God began.

Since finding out I was going to be a mother, suicide never entered my mind again. Life wasn't perfect. In fact, we went through rough times.  I wrote pages upon pages on my journal and prayed and prayed to cope.  I'm sure that thinking I was the best person to raise my son was also what kept me from ever thinking about suicide.  Perhaps it was a little prideful of me to think that, but that's what I thought.

It would take six years for me to fully surrender my life to God. For those next six years, God pursued me. He put me in situations and He put people in my path to finally draw me to the foot of His cross.  Since then, I have used Scripture (especially the book of Psalms), music and my journal as my outlet.

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I am not saying that God is like a genie and you just need to ask Him to take depression away and He takes it away. I realize that Christians and non Christians, mothers, husbands, single people suffer from depression and have either committed suicide or attempted suicide. We live in a fallen world full of suffering, illnesses and death. Depression is an illness. Just as we hear miraculous healing of people who are physically ill, there have been people who have been healed by the power of prayer. THIS IS NOT ALWAYS THE CASE. SO I DO IMPLORE YOU TO SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP IF YOU ARE SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION.

However, I do believe that relationship with God is a crucial part of the battle against depression.  You see, once you get to know God then you will realize just how important you are to Him. You will come to know His great love for you. "For God so loved the world that He gave His One and Only Son that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." -John 3:16. This verse may seem like such a far fetched idea but it is true. If you take certain Bible verses out of context, you won't be able to grasp this love, but His Word, in its entirety, is God's love letter to us. It points us to Hope that this world cannot offer. An eternal hope that can help us maneuver through this fallen world.  A Hope in Jesus Christ.

My prayer is that if you or someone you know suffers from depression, you will find some time to seek God today and you will come to know peace and hope that comes from Christ alone.

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